Friday, April 4, 2014

The End

This story is so painful that I have not written in months and now I am fast forwarding to the end.

Our relationship was beautiful.  We enjoyed watching the sunset together, cooking for each other, laughing, even singing to each other. We were making plans to get married and wanted to start a family.

If I were the editor of this love story, I could come up with many different stories... all of them true, but not really.

The truth is that I could spend the rest of my life trying to make sense of it all.

The easy thing to do is to hate your ex for having hurt you, but I never did.

I love her so much, it hurts.

I could not stand the repetitive nature of our conflicts.  If I smiled at a cashier when buying food or at the shoe store, there would be a fight.  I am happy because I am buying you lunch or a gift and my smile is there for the world to see.  I am not flirting with anyone.  I am happy.  Except with this, this was driving me nuts.

Her jealousy had gotten to the point where I had to call her phone every hour from my house phone.  For a while it was a text every 15 minutes.  She was convinced that this plus lengthy daily letters and a nightly phone call where I had to find a different way to apologize for my mistakes was a solution.

I understood where she was coming from, but the only thing that was happening was that I had no time for anything except her.  I was her slave and when I told her that is how I felt, she liked it.  She would call me her slave and have me say that I was when she was in her sadistic mode.

She was seeing another man and torturing me with all the ways he was better than me.  I put up with it because I was hoping one of two things would happen.  That she would either leave me or start treating me better now that she had revenge.

When we had first started dating, she was going to India for 5 months and we started not getting along during this time period and I decided to sleep around and try to forget about her.

She never forgave me for this and at this point I thought that it would be better for me to have her make me feel that pain than to have to hear about it for the rest of our lives.

This was a very painful period of time for me, and I did have way too many angry outbursts.  I was already having too many, some of them a reaction to her controlling nature, some of them my own male PMS.

The final straw was when I got the opportunity to work for Bleacher Report.  She hugged me, but it felt empty to me.  My intuition said that she only cared about the fact that I could work from home and not at all for the fact that this was a dream come true for me.

I want to be truly loved, where the person wants you to be all you can be, and Kanksha was always telling me what I could not be.  I could not be an actor, producer, office worker, father to my daughter, brother or son to my family.  I could not spend a dollar on myself.  It was really hard to believe that she loved me.

I was hoping that one of the many times that I broke up with her would turn a light bulb on for her.  Yes, I want to fix everything that is wrong with me and have spent every day of my life since working on myself, but I also want you to learn how to love me.

I miss her so much.  If she can believe for even one moment that I ever wanted anything bad for her, then she did not know me like I thought she did.  I was not treating her well and this was the biggest reason that I broke off our engagement in such a harsh manner.

I wanted our vicious cycle to end.

I love her with all of my heart and I think she would see that if she paid attention.

Monday, December 2, 2013

chapter 4 - the courting begins

the original script was unworkable, but i told kanksha that i would tranform it into something that would be great for her resume and reel even if it never became a commercial success. i even promised to pay her, which i was going to do out of my pocket, because kalki did not want to pay actors, with so many other costs to account for.

we laughed so much on the phone when i was helping rewrite the script because no self respecting actor would commit to the early drafts and indeed, we lost two lead males before i could lock in somebody to play kalki... the super human based loosely on the directors apparent view of himself. it was a great project that involved a lot of great people, but she would end up resenting me for it.

i started going to the mo
vies with h
er and even took her to a dance performance and then the phoenix film festival. i could feel my self esteem lowering with each date. i had never gone out with a girl and paid more than once without results. i could always gauge if there was something there or not, but with her it was difficult.

i enjoyed her company, but i felt like i was in the friends zone and i could not justify the receipts. these were cheap dates, but i was now a producer and running over budget for a talent i was going to have to pay a day rate for.

i dont know when or why she started liking me, but i have very fond memories. when she held my hand and told me that i could count on her for emotional support after i told her something personal, when we stood by her car and i tried to kiss her and she gave me her cheek and the moment when we sat on a bench and i confessed that the dates were getting awkward and painful for me because i could not tell if she liked me or if she just wanted to watch movies and spend time with a friend.

chapter 3 - im back in AZ and single

i had totally forgotten about this girl from an emotional standpoint, probably rejecting her because i felt she was or would reject me.

however, my friend raj told me i had to meet kalki, who needed a lead actor for his web series pilot. i was excited and scheduled to meet this man the moment that i got back to phoenix.

but before i did i called kanksha to find out if she knew anything about this project. wow. now that we were on the phone i felt the sparks fly. butterflies in my stomach school boy crush feelings were manifesting after she revealed that she had been offered the lead. she said that she was not interested in the project because it seemed like the production was not professional enough.

i became emotionally invested in the project at this very moment. i never explained this to her, but i wish i had. i had a vision of acting opposite of her and playing her love interest. i thought that we would have very special chemistry on set and could possibly fall in love. the quick conversation we had in preparation for my meeting convinced me that i had to make sure this project would be good enough for her.

i met kalki outside of frys electronics. he was there on his motorcycle and we both new i wasnt right for the role before a word was spoken. we walked over to the dennys and we talked about the project. i told him that i wanted to produce it as a screen actors guild project and secure the best talent available, including miss kanksha.

he loved all of my ideas, except hiring kanksha. he thought she was too much of a diva and explained to me that her type is very common in his country. i thought that i could manage her ego and that our connection would allow me to be the intermediary between two people that clearly did not like each other based on drama that each carried with them into the new world. with 1 out of 5 humans on earth being indian, they both felt they new the other... and while i like to focus on what makes people unique, i have to admit that they both warned me about the other and were spot on.

miss mehta would never work on that project, but i did help it become one of the best low budget films the state has ever produced

chapter 2 - the dinner and off to new mexico

the meeting was set up as a professional rendez vous between two early career professionals with similar backgrounds. i was a writer, actor, on my way to becoming a producer and this girl was talent, judging by her extensive and diverse experience.

i had to meet her, but i was nervous about it because i thought i might like her. i had just started to get serious with another girl, but she lived in another city and rationally, we did not have a future together, but we did like each other.

kanksha had just returned from la where she said she was promoting for band bajat baarat, a major bollywood film she had a principal role in. i was so excited for this girl who i barely knew.

i wasted too much time getting ready and i spent a lot of time making myself feel casual about the thing. i had arranged it as a professional, but i was well aware that i was meeting a girl who could make me fall in love. beauty, intelligence and drive, coupled with lots of things in common spelled trouble.

i was late and she was unimpressed. we had our meeting and i felt like she was desperate to get the right agent and head to la. i offered to help her in her transition in any way that i could by way of contacts, advise, etc. and we said goodbye.

the excitement was gone. the meeting was not special. just another meeting between hollywood types, feeling each other out and trying to see if they can help you get to where you are trying to go. i wasnt looking to fall for her, so i was glad that i didnt, but i was hoping for some sort of transcendent experience. i thought that meeting her would get my creative juices going, but her aura did not captivate me the way that i expected it to.

i went off to work in new mexico and she politely kept in touch and i politely thanked her for the meeting and wished her well. i made a stupid mistake in my budding long distance ended before i made it back to arizona.

chapter 1 - we met on facebook

i do not remember exactly how i met her.  i know that she said something first and that it was on facebook. if i made the first move it was an add request without much thought behind it because this girl sent me a nice, short, professional and friendly message and i knew i was in trouble.

the girl was beautiful, brunette and very accomplished. she had participated in multiple beauty pageant and had experience modelling, acting and in journalism. she also went to the same university i went to, arizona state university.

i had recently gotten out of a relationship that had made me miserable enough to appreciate rock bottom and return to arizona after 5 years in los angeles. my film career off and i  determined to get back there as soon as possible.diddd

the yd gotten off to a great start, with a small role in a sag feature followed by the opportunity to be david duchovnys stand in on the movie goats.

to get that chance i had to sleep in my car outside tucson, and it clearly was the right move because i love working on films and i was back in my element. i met killian on that set at 5 am and instantly felt like i had met one of my best friends. he lived in his moms garage and biked for over an hour to get to set. i was so impressed by this 20 year old photographer who wanted to become a cinematographer.

well, coming off of that experience i returned to phoenix and met with kanksha before heading back to the goats set in new mexico. killian and i had been promoted, he to camera assistant and i was the producers assistant.

life was good at the time. i was actually seeing a girl from the tucson area and i took this meeting