Friday, April 4, 2014

The End

This story is so painful that I have not written in months and now I am fast forwarding to the end.

Our relationship was beautiful.  We enjoyed watching the sunset together, cooking for each other, laughing, even singing to each other. We were making plans to get married and wanted to start a family.

If I were the editor of this love story, I could come up with many different stories... all of them true, but not really.

The truth is that I could spend the rest of my life trying to make sense of it all.

The easy thing to do is to hate your ex for having hurt you, but I never did.

I love her so much, it hurts.

I could not stand the repetitive nature of our conflicts.  If I smiled at a cashier when buying food or at the shoe store, there would be a fight.  I am happy because I am buying you lunch or a gift and my smile is there for the world to see.  I am not flirting with anyone.  I am happy.  Except with this, this was driving me nuts.

Her jealousy had gotten to the point where I had to call her phone every hour from my house phone.  For a while it was a text every 15 minutes.  She was convinced that this plus lengthy daily letters and a nightly phone call where I had to find a different way to apologize for my mistakes was a solution.

I understood where she was coming from, but the only thing that was happening was that I had no time for anything except her.  I was her slave and when I told her that is how I felt, she liked it.  She would call me her slave and have me say that I was when she was in her sadistic mode.

She was seeing another man and torturing me with all the ways he was better than me.  I put up with it because I was hoping one of two things would happen.  That she would either leave me or start treating me better now that she had revenge.

When we had first started dating, she was going to India for 5 months and we started not getting along during this time period and I decided to sleep around and try to forget about her.

She never forgave me for this and at this point I thought that it would be better for me to have her make me feel that pain than to have to hear about it for the rest of our lives.

This was a very painful period of time for me, and I did have way too many angry outbursts.  I was already having too many, some of them a reaction to her controlling nature, some of them my own male PMS.

The final straw was when I got the opportunity to work for Bleacher Report.  She hugged me, but it felt empty to me.  My intuition said that she only cared about the fact that I could work from home and not at all for the fact that this was a dream come true for me.

I want to be truly loved, where the person wants you to be all you can be, and Kanksha was always telling me what I could not be.  I could not be an actor, producer, office worker, father to my daughter, brother or son to my family.  I could not spend a dollar on myself.  It was really hard to believe that she loved me.

I was hoping that one of the many times that I broke up with her would turn a light bulb on for her.  Yes, I want to fix everything that is wrong with me and have spent every day of my life since working on myself, but I also want you to learn how to love me.

I miss her so much.  If she can believe for even one moment that I ever wanted anything bad for her, then she did not know me like I thought she did.  I was not treating her well and this was the biggest reason that I broke off our engagement in such a harsh manner.

I wanted our vicious cycle to end.

I love her with all of my heart and I think she would see that if she paid attention.